im stuck in my arm chair .groans. i think im in love with gok wan. .. which girl isnt realli.

Failure keeps you humble, and humility keeps you grounded. I fail at so many things im rooted to the ground. But at least, im humble. and at least im kind. ... most of the time.

If this moment had ending credits, I would play this song to them. its such a pretty song.
"well it kinds of hurts when the kind of words you say,
kind of turn themselves into blades,
and kind and courteous is a life ive heard
but its nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear,
cause here we are, here we are.
here we are
were still here,
what a beautiful mess this is.
its like taking a guess when the only answer is yes.
THrough timeless words, and priceless pictures
well fly like birds, out of this earth
and tides they turn, and hearts disfigure,
but thats no concern when were wounded together. "
-jason mraz, a beautiful mes-

This is my world. Its not so well-baked, but wont you share it with me? Happy birthday favourite pair of twins. :) i dont know where id be without you guys.

!!!!!i want to curl up in bed and die. mumblegrumblegrumble. (*&(*AS&*D^ASD groans. stupid stupid.

Theres this scene from Closer thats been haunting my dreams. Its the last one when Alice and Dan are in the hotel room, he tries to get her to confess to something, and then he says he wants the truth when he comes back, and then he leaves. But he reaches the lift and then he realizes something. and he grabs a rose and rushes back. at which point its already too late.

I don think love gets any more tragic than tht - tht moment when u urself realize uve lost someone and everything u say from that point on comes too late.

so anyway here it is.

http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/closer-movie-transcript.html

DAN: You're not trusting me. I'm in love with you. You're safe. You had every right, I just want to know.
ALICE: Why?
DAN: Because I want to know everything. Because I'm a lunatic. Tell me.
ALICE: Nothing happened. You were living with someone else.
DAN: What are you justifying?
ALICE: I'm just justifying anything. I'm just saying.
DAN: What are you saying?
ALICE: I'm not saying anything.
DAN: I just want the truth.
ALICE: Where are you going?
DAN: Cigarettes.
ALICE: Everywhere is closed.
DAN: I'll go to the terminal. When I get back, please tell me the truth.
ALICE: Why?
DAN: Because I'm adicted to it. Because without it, we're animals. Trust me.
Dan leaves.
.
---
Dan comes back down the hall, steals a rose from outside another room. He walks in and offers her the rose.
ALICE: I don't love you anymore.
DAN: Since when?
ALICE: Now. Just now. I don't want to lie. Can't tell the truth, so it's over.
DAN: It doesn't matter. I love you. None of it matters.
ALICE: Too late. I don't love you anymore. Goodbye.
ALICE: Here's the truth, so now you can hate me. Larry fucked me all night. I enjoyed it. I came. I prefer you. Now go.
DAN: I knew that. He told me.
ALICE: You knew?!
DAN: I needed to hear it from you.
ALICE: Why?
DAN: Because he might have been lying. I had to hear it from you.
ALICE: I would never have told you, because I know you would have never forgived me.
DAN: I would. I have.
ALICE: Why did he tell you?
DAN: Because he's a bastard.
ALICE: How could he?
DAN: Because he wanted this to happen.
ALICE (getting angry): But why test me?
DAN: Because I'm an idiot.
ALICE: Yes. I would have loved you... forever. Now, please go.
DAN: Don't do this, Alice. Please, talk to me.
ALICE: I am talking. Fuck off.
DAN: I'm sorry. You misunderstand! I didn't mean to.
ALICE: Yes you did.
DAN: I love you!
ALICE: Where?!
DAN: What?!
ALICE: Show me! Where is this love? I... I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words. Whatever you say is too late.
DAN: Please, don't do this!
ALICE: Done.

I hated hated hated this movie at first because it was so utterly tragic. but ive realized now how completely realistic every emotion, every lie, every act of malise, ever moment in it is. And so i can finally appreciate this movie for all tht it represents abt life love and sex.

I blame the chick flicks, and the rose-tinted glasses we cant help but put on in the beginnings. they disillusion us.
Happy endings are only illusions. were all going to crash and burn one day.



DAN: Why'd you leave?
PORTMAN: Problems with a male.
DAN: Boyfriend?
PORTMAN: Kindof.
DAN: And you left him, just like that?
PORTMAN: It's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
DAN: Supposing you do still love them?
PORTMAN: You don't leave.
DAN: You've never left someone you still love?
PORTMAN: Nope.

LARRY: What were you so sad about?
ALICE: Life.
LARRY: What's that then?
Alice laughs.
LARRY: So what do you reckon, in general?
ALICE: You want to talk about art?
LARRY: I know it's vulgar to discuss the work at the opening of the work, but somebody's gotta do it.
LARRY: I'm serious. What do you think?
ALICE: It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and all the glittering assholes who appreciate art say it's beautiful 'cause that's what they want to see. But the people in the photos are sad, and alone, but the pictures make the world seem beautiful. So the exhibition's reassuring, which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat lie.
LARRY: I'm the big fat lie's boyfriend.
ALICE: Bastard!
LARRY: Larry.
ALICE: Alice.
ALICE: So you're Anna's boyfriend.
LARRY: A princess can kiss a toad.
ALICE: Frog.
LARRY: Toad.
ALICE: Frog.
LARRY: Toad. Frog. Lobster. They're all the same.
ALICE: So how long have you been seeing her?
LARRY: Four months. We're in the first flush. It's paradise. All my nasty habits amuse her.
LARRY: You shouldn't smoke.
ALICE: Fuck off.
LARRY: I'm a doctor, I'm supposed to say things like that.
ALICE: You want one?

LARRY: Well put me out of my misery. Do you desire me, because I'm being pretty fucking honest about my feelings for you?
ALICE: Your "feelings?"
LARRY: Whatever.
ALICE: No, I don't desire you.
LARRY: Thank you. Thank you sincerely for your honesty.
LARRY: You think you haven't given anything of yourselves. You think because you don't have lovers, or likers, or desirers, you think you've won.
ALICE: It's not a war.
He laughs.

ARRY: You want my advice? You go back to Alice.
DAN: She'd never have me. She's vanished.
LARRY: No she hasn't. I found her, by accident. She's working in a club. Yes, I saw her naked. No, I did not fuck her.
DAN: You spoke to her?
DOCTOR (phone): Yes?
DOCTOR (phone): Yes, I know. One minute.
DAN: How is she?
LARRY: She loves you beyond comprehension. Your prescription is where she works. Go to her.
DAN: Thank you.
LARRY: You still pissing about on the 'net?
DAN: Not recently.
LARRY: I wanted to kill you.
DAN: You wanted to fuck me.
LARRY: Don't get lippy.
LARRY: I read your book, by the way.
DAN: Thanks.
DAN: You stand alone.
LARRY: With Anna. You still writing obituaries?
LARRY: Busy?
DAN: I was made editor.
LARRY: Yeah? How come?
DAN: Previous editor died. Alcohol poisoning. I sat with him for a week in the hospital.
LARRY: I really do have patients to see.
DAN: Thank you.
LARRY: For what?
DAN: Being kind.
LARRY: I am kind. Your invoice is in the post.
Dan starts to leave.
LARRY: Dan.
He stops.
LARRY: I lied to you. I did fuck Alice. Sorry for telling you. I'm just not big enough to forgive you, buster.
---



-
ALICE: I'm going.
DAN: I'm sorry.
ALICE: Irrelevant. What are you sorry for?
DAN: Everything.
ALICE: Why didn't you tell me before?
DAN: Cowardice.
ALICE: Is it because she's successful?
DAN: No, it's because she doesn't need me.
ALICE: Did you bring her here?
DAN: Yes.
ALICE: Didn't she get married?
DAN: She stopped seeing me.
ALICE: Was that when we went to the country to celebrate our third anniversary?
ALICE: Did you phone her, beg her to come back? when you went for lovely walks?
DAN: Yes.
ALICE: You're a piece of shit.
DAN: Deception is brutal. I'm not pretending otherwise.
ALICE: How? How does it work? How do you do this to someone?
Dan tries to think of an excuse.
ALICE: Not good enough.
DAN: I fell in love with her, Alice.
ALICE: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give in to this, or I can resist it." And I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one. I'm gone.
Dan blocks her exit.
DAN: It's not safe out there.
ALICE: Oh, and it's safe in here?
DAN: What about your things?
ALICE: I don't need "things."
DAN: Where will you go?
ALICE: Disappear.
---
ALICE: Can I still see you?
ALICE: Dan, can I still see you? Answer me.
DAN: I can't see you. If I see you, I'll never leave you.
ALICE: What will you do if I find someone else?
DAN: Be jealous.
ALICE: You still fancy me?
DAN: Of course.
ALICE: You're lying. I've been you. Will you hold me?
He holds Alice, who's now crying.
ALICE: I amuse you but I bore you.
DAN: No. No.
ALICE: You did love me?
DAN: I'll always love you. I hate hurting you.
ALICE: Why are you?
DAN: Because I'm selfish. And I think I'll be happier with her.
ALICE: You won't. You'll miss me. No one will ever love you as much as I do. Why isn't love enough?

i cry at all the wrong moments, nvr bring me to any celebration, or the movies for that matter. not only is my sense of humour whacked, so is my sense of sadness. i must have a sickness.

and im sure this is a bad omen.

You are my creature. You are my shadow. You are my soul. ... but when u wake up, then ull just be the mongrel. crazy and annoying irritating creature. but my creature nevertheless. love, your human.

Alan : When a man turns 40, he begins to take measure of himself. I must admit i dont like what i see. Tara: youre turning 43.
Alan : If u dont mind, im trying to appear vulnerable to facilitate my snorkellin up ur thighbone later.
Tara: Alan? You boyfriend. Me girlfriend. you have a season's pass.
Alan : Youre ruining the conquest part, which is all its realli about for me.

heeheehee. haahaahaa. i love boston legal yes i do yes i do. .

Danny: I know what I'm doing.
Brad: Which is?
Danny: It'll come to me.
Brad: That lawyer is going to pick you apart in open court tomorrow.
danny: Let him try. Danny Crane.


Alan: ... Don't you? (Lori smiles, and starts to leave.) Yes, you'll perhaps find that witty comeback in your office.

she stood again amid the sound of rushing water from the mill, happiness as full around her as the night. Don't breathe, she thought. Don't move. But there was no stopping anything. Outside, rain fell softly, and seeds stirred in the dark wet earth. - The memory keeper's daughter, Kim Edwards-

Im still amazed at how much things change in such a short amount of time. And then tomorrow the things we did today will hardly matter. Maybe thats why id rather go for two hour long walks then sit and revise-which is realli the smarter option. I should rephrase- in the longlonglong run, the things we did today will hardly matter.

I finally halfwatched the american idol finals, and i must admit- i did squeal a bit when jason mraz walked onto the stage. and omg kris allen is so damn cute. *swoons and dies* Hes got the babyboy sort of face, now i regret not paying so much attention to american idol, but i love how for the final, they paired an idol with the singer of the original song. notice how im avoiding the word celebrity.







JASON MRAZ MAKES ME HAPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. i love how they did this.

soooo cute. i know ying wanted adam lambert to win, but adam lambert is way too sci-fi for me. but kris is soooo. soooooooooo. sighz.